seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
