Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
