I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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