He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
