his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
