I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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