Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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