i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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