You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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