i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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