i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
