If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Enjoy the penises
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
