I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize