So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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