I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
