fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
