I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
