There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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