So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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