Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
