And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
