So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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