I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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