I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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