I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize