Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
