I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
