mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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