I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
