Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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