How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
