Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
