What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize