All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
