my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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