Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
