There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
