Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
