what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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