I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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