i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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