Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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