I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
