so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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