Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
