i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
