I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
