I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
