i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
