there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
