Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
