On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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