I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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