I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
