I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
