I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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