Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
