I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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