Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
