It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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