we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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