Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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