I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize