I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
