I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
