No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
