Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
