the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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